every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
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ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain