when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You Might Also Like
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
? 💀
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.