Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
How it started How it’s going
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
August 8
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.