“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
ok hear me out: Luigiana
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it