My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Who.
Did.
This?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.