Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?