The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.