I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.