Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard