Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Animal poetry
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
calling in to work dehydrated
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.