THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.