Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed