I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Cats (2019)
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe