My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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Stop it! 😂
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The morning after pill, but for tweets
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth