I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??