So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”