[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
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date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.