choose your gary
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?