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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I think the cat got the dog high.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
never compromise your values
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies