Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.