You Might Also Like
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.