There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Sheep
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“TGIM!” – My liver
True?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.