Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”