Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
You Might Also Like
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Buck naked
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.