Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
You Might Also Like
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space