None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You Might Also Like
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Shoo shoo! 😂
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”