Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m giving up for Lent.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser