[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.