[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
This dude got his own movie?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”