TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.