I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.