i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You Might Also Like
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.