At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
You Might Also Like
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
had to share :’)
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you