Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly