When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.