I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.