. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My beach vacation Google searches
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex