A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Twitter fine art
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Just say no
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat