Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
You Might Also Like
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss