She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The sacred texts.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
me logging onto twitter
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!