[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…