Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
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Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.