Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
😆this is so true
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no