ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels