People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Dolls on drugs
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…