Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Confused owl: What?!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo