[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
You Might Also Like
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.