excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE