Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Just a phase…
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
this is the best interaction on twitter
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from