Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.